Tuesday, May 12, 2015

A Junkie Walking Through The Twilight...

Listening to a  dose of Amy Winehouse with a chaser of Gil Scott Heron is like a depression cocktail.  The past few days I have fallen into what I can only describe as a black hole of emotion and cloudy head extreme exhaustion. I try to keep it together on a daily basis. Its easy to fake it til you make it. Its what I have done my entire life. Smile, be smart and charming but as soon as your home or alone or locked into a private bathroom you burst into a bubbling fountain of tears.  Amy Wine house said it best "I cried alone on the kitchen floor."  I find myself not interested in drinking, not being interested in much of anything actually.   Just listening to songs on repeat. Thinking about the past and better times and how I will again dig myself out of a mess that I have yet again made and get on with life.

 I used to be obsessed with Gil Scott Heron.  This is a true story of don't meet your idols.   I romanticized all his albums, the bluesy jazzy 1970's "I am walking determinedly through the streets of NYC"  thumping bass lines mixed with tinkling piano keys. Songs that were far more autobiographical than one could imagine. I would often go see him play at SOB's or Tramps. These were the only concert tickets that I would buy.   For years a label-less Heron was in and out of jail due to drugs and was a mess due to addiction.   But he could play and I would watch for hours in complete rapture songs to songs that were so musically upbeat paired with lyrics that were just so painfully sad.

There came a time that Gil was on a label, TVT where a friend worked and a show coming up at SOB's  that I was put on a list for.  We had a table and flowing drinks. I would hear crazy stories about GSH from her - about his young crack addict girlfriend, about what a mess he still was. How he was impossible to work with.   To me the man was a genius. "Home is Where the Hatred" is is one of the best songs ever to be written. A song that was so rarely played live I often wondered why he did not visit it, and what the significance of not playing it was.   The friend took me back stage as she wanted me to meet him. I wish that I hadn't. Because who I met that night was a barely coherent junkie, who one hour later walked on stage and played for three hours one of the best shows that I had ever seen. To see him there, frail, messy and just pieces of a man was a heartbreaking moment.  It was then that I decided that I no longer ever wanted to meet anyone that I thought was a genius musician. Because all geniuses will eventually disappoint you.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Just Like Honey

I have taken a hiatus from blogging. I haven't had the time. I haven't had the energy and to be honest I haven't cared all that much about thinking about clothes or first world problems. I have had a lot of introspection lately and I am finally back in a place where I like myself, I know who in my life is good for me and who really isn't a friend or a false prophet. I finally feel like I am back to myself.

So I decided that it would be a good time to make a comeback.   As many of you know, music has always been important to me. Its what has gotten me through what most people would find to be a pretty tragic childhood.   I am not going to focus on that here and now, but as a child bands my story.   The Saturday Night Fever Soundtrack and ABBA's Arrival remind me of a time when things at home weren't awful. John Lennon's Double Fantasy tells the story of a dark time. 

In 8th grade I found myself. Who I was was who I wanted to be. A punk/alternative/new wave kid. No matter how unaccepted I was at home or at school there was a community where I was a part of something.  In 8th grade I had my first real boyfriend and I was obsessed with the Jesus & Mary Chain.   My boyfriend at the time, Chad, wore a black trench coat, was in 9th grade at a different school and had a mop of hair  that embodied the sexy Scotsman, Jim Reid.   We had a short lived fiery relationship that was mainly about making out, listening to Psychocandy (among other records) and hanging out in cemeteries. The Jesus and Mary Chain had booked a gig at the 9:30 Club in DC.  We got tickets and were excited for the show.  Putting on our best black and for me a lot of eyeliner and digging out my bad fake ID we journeyed to DC for the show.  When we got there we got into a fight and promptly broke up. The band also played for only 15 minutes.  At the end of the show Chad disappeared and I was put in the first of many awful situations of going to concerts with boyfriends that I would either catch two-timing me or get into an awful fight with because I wanted to go up front and they preferred to be "cool" and hang out in the back.  A hysterical phone call to my father would always ensue, and at times he was smart enough to know to go out and be near the venue to pick me up. This time he actually decided to go to Georgetown to go record shopping. 

I will never forget the lecture in the car on the way home about how I needed to date a normal boy.   On Thursday this week I get a do-over. Its the 30th Anniversary of Psychocandy and I am going to Seattle with my friend Melissa to see the show.  I will wear all black, I wont have to call my dad to pick me up, because she has no reason to break up with me at the show. I already am filled with excitement of seeing my favorite Mary Chain album so raw and gritty and distorted and dreamy being played in a small club.

Sunday, December 21, 2014


I have been on a purging binge. Not food, but clothes, shoes even accessories that remind me of things that I would rather forget. Things that don't fit, are too dare I say "young" or "too vintage" too dated. Some of this is Mayle.  Some of this is fitness clothes and some of this is things that i simply cant look at.

I woke up yesterday morning and decided that I have too much stuff. I bought a Jennifer Meyer for    J Crew necklace last year. I tried to wear it, but it just didn't lay right. It just didn't look good. So I sold it on eBay. The same with a ton of my precious Mayle, which is actually turning out to not be so precious anymore. At the end of the day its just clothes. This weekend I sold my Lana gown that I haven't worn in 5 years and was too big. I sold my Lena dress that's too big.  I listed my giant wavy knit Mayle scarf on eBay, along with a silk aubergine camisole blouse from Fall 2006 and my cherished black and white Petulia dress from 2004. Its hard to part with these things. But they don't fit, I don't wear them and whats the point of holding on to them?

Saturday, December 13, 2014


This holiday season is a bit of a daze for me. A year ago I wasn't working, was trying to figure out how I was going to buy gifts and in general was in a pit of malaise.  This year I am fortunate, I have a great job but again I am not into "the season."  Its hard to walk around and see people shopping when a part of me feels like I cant even manage.   New York was a great trip, it reinvigorated my feelings about friendship, and reminded me that no matter how far away they are these friends are true friends. They would drop things for me in a second. If I was in an accident they would rush to be by my side.   I continue on this path in Portland of "knowing people" but in the end are they actually a friend?"  This is the first year that I really don't need to buy anyone outside of family a gift. That's sort of a relief.  Though I did get two friends very small things that I know they will like.

For myself? I want a balenciaga clutch on sale at Nordstrom but no where else. A barneys gift card so that I can buy a fun flirty pre-spring Proenza dress. A nordstrom gift card to buy said clutch or a variety of other amazing Preonza things. A sephora gift card so that I can actually reach ROUGE level for 2015. I want a variety of Proenza dresses from past season that are on sale on Yoox. 

Sunday, October 26, 2014

The Golden Shears

Back in August I had my year ahead tarot reading.  I know, to most people tarot and astrology are a bunch of malarkey but to me its something. I remember signing the offer for letter for my "dream magazine job" when mercury was in retrograde. Everything that was so appealing - the 15K raise, the glamour of high fashion etc was soon run over by a higher insurance premium out of each pay check, the fact that I couldn't expense cabs home/meals after 7 (and I often worked til midnight). I ended up quitting after 6 months.  Sure not everything comes true, but for the most part it all makes sense.  So when Miss Renee told me that it was time to get out the golden shears and cut some friends at first I wasn't sure honestly who here in PDX was left? Jen had moved and we talk daily. I had stopped speaking to Julia and a few others who ended up being judgemental and disappointing.  Mainly more selfish and self-centered.    After exploring in therapy why I am attracted to certain types of people as friends, things started making sense. That person is like my mother (bossy, critical, over bearing - must always be right, talks over you, doesn't really listen to what your saying). Or like my father, unavailable, doesn't show up, doesn't call, but when you hang out you have fun.

Knowing that these two people denied me so much (love, attention, affection, not to mention material things) I keep or kept finding myself drawn to these types of people. But now? I am finally at 42 feeling like I don't need to find this type of friend. I am not lacking, I don't need a friend with the same mentally cruel traits as my parents. I don't need to live in a constant reminder of trying to constantly please someone and it not be good enough. 

So I am letting things go. Good luck to those people whom I have decided to part acquaintance with. Sure in some ways I will miss you, but I really love the mental freedom.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

The Perfect Work Dress

Currently at JCrew for $168. Its the perfect work dress.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Recent High Street Covets

Though I have been mainly purging and NOT shopping I have been crushing on a few cost effective pieces from the local high street stores (J.Crew, Zara).   Things to think about as always they end up on sale.